Wednesday, October 19, 2005
an introspective view of life.
my conclusion today after taking a hot shower is that each of us have different roles, or identities, at different stages of our life.
in rj, i was lindy the councillor. boss. the entrepreneurial girl in the club. best friends with the pple in my rgs clique. the person to kao-bei with/kao bei to with flo and my class girls abt guys, school work and p...
sigh. its really sad. i've somehow moved on. forced to i guess.
SIGH. seriously, 6A was one of the best times of my life. its really one of the rare occasions when you get a whole great bunch of pple together, something clicks, and they become friends of life. TRUE friends of life.
and i guess i'm learning now, the hard way, after leaving jc, that i shouldn't have taken them for granted.
but that's beside the point. haha. my few months in US have made me treasure the pple i know more :)
and here in US, in the SUNNY state of minnesota (it still is :P) what are the roles/identities that I have/want to take up?
i'm still searching i guess. who isn't? i guess everyone's searching for throughout something their whole life. perhaps that's what keeps one going? search for a new identity and grow into it? and when you outgrow it you move on and search for a new goal in life.
was talking to a friend today, and he seemed to be all so caught up with school work and heading for a really serious burnout. tried to give him whatever advice i could think of, and my conclusion for him is that take a step out and look at things from a macro perspective, before heading back into the threadmill of daily life.
i think knowing where you are heading towards is important. at least for me, that's impt. i want to know where i want to go, where i am currently heading towards, how i want the journey to be like and how to navigate towards the goal.
sometimes, that's really tiring. but life seems somewhat... empty with the way i'm drifting about now. not too sure how i want my undergrad life to be like.
there are so many things to grapple with, and let me list it out:
1. culture
2. making new friends
3. grades
4. scholarship concerns (gpa of 3.8)
5. financial concerns
6. ccas
back in rj, i was only bothered by 2 things - grades and ccas. ok sometimes abit more. like what to wear for prom haha
its nice to know that you have a bunch of great friends out there all over the world who you can fall back on come what may. but sometimes, just sometimes, you just feel that they are too far away to understand how you feel.
so who am i now?
well, for one i know i'm a pretty gd cook. made lasagne and brownies and guo tie and mee siam... tat's why u see me growing fat. :)
in the area of academics, i'm pretty gd with french. been getting consistent As all the way.the rest? comme ci comme ca. go figure :)
haven't been really active in looking for ccas to join. and i promise myself that i will soon, cause i think they will somewhat give me a purpose in life. planning to join habitat for humanity, or some other community service thing. probably badminton too to destress.
i just feel so... naked sometimes. its so much easier to just switch off and lead a monotonous-and-boring-uni-life but WHAT THE FREAKING HELL. i want to live my life damn it.
i don't want to do school work everyday, shop for groceries on saturday, go to friends house to party/eat on sat night and travel during hols. i mean what the hell. THAT is NOT life. at least for me, i want to do something with mine. i want to make an impact on the pple, on the world! that was what made me joined council, never really regretted it (save for a few horrible run-ins with teachers) and i do think i came out a better person from the experience.
i want to live my life with meaning. yar school work is part of it, no running away from it if i want my 4.0. but i don't want to let my life control me; i want to control the way i live my life. i'm not a control freak, just maybe a little, but i do want to obtain the maximum out of life.
SO here i am setting out the goals i want to achieve this yr ahead (or what's left of it)
1. get used to the way of life in the US
2. make an impact! (no matter how small) on the pple around me!
3. get 4.0! yes i'm gg to work hard on my bloody math!
4. just chill out, relax and stop being so bloody nervous, tensed and stressed out abt everything.
5. lose weight!!!
i mean screw the whole world and what they think!
speak ur singaporean slang with pride ( i.e. if i have any haha) and BE WHO YOU ARE! stop being so aware of what pple think abt you. and seriously, don't try so bloody hard to make friends. take it as it comes!
well that was a really long blog but that did put a little smile on my face :)
come on. you can do it.